I was in the car when I first heard Eminem’s new song, Love the Way You Lie. I didn’t know what I was listening to. It was moving me to the point of tears, but I was confused about how a song on such a serious subject was being played on the area’s most popular radio station. The DJ hadn’t announced the song, and as I sat there listening, I started to wonder whether I was in fact listening to an amped up public service announcement about domestic violence, especially because Rihanna’s voice immediately drew me back to her own very public experience with violence in a relationship.
As I listened, the words of the song bothered me. As an adult, I understood the underlying meaning behind Rihanna’s haunting chorus, but I wondered if young girls hearing the song would understand the song at that same level or whether they would take Rihanna’s words literally, somehow believing that it is ok to suffer through hurt and lies.
It was Eminem’s final lyrics that bothered me the most:
“Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it’s lies
I’m tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I’m a liar
If she ever tries to f*ing leave again
I’mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire.”
These words produce a powerful visual image of how violent relationships can end, but again, I wasn’t sure whether the teens and pre-teens listening to the song would think that somehow that type of behavior was being condoned as opposed to being condemned.
Unless you can read into the emotional subtext of the song, the lyrics themselves don’t do much to place an opinion on whether violence within a relationship is right or wrong. The lyrics just seem to be stating the facts of the story of a relationship and I find myself wishing that the song painted a clearer picture for young people of how damaging that type of relationship can be.
I’m writing about this now, even though the song has been out for a little while, because the video was just released online and after seeing it, I’m even more worried about the messages that young people will take away from the song. (video contains explicit lyrics)
The video makes domestic violence seem sexy. It sends the message that even though you may fight hard, that fighting is followed by extremely passionate kisses and moments of tenderness. The video even ends with the actors playing the couple in the video – Meghan Fox and Dominic Monaghan – spooning peacefully in bed.
If the song is supposed to send young people the message that they shouldn’t be in violent of relationships, I think it contradicts itself through the images in the video. Meghan Fox doesn’t leave. At the end of the video she is still very much there.
Maybe I’m not giving young people enough credit. Maybe the message is completely clear to them. I’m hoping that it is. Otherwise, a beautiful song with a potentially powerful message has been wasted.
But that is exactly how domestic violence works. Would it have ended better if he had really set the bed on fire?
Hi Jennifer –
I think it would have ended better if she had walked away. The video may portray the reality of the fact that many women get trapped in violent relationships, but wouldn’t it have been better to show that you don’t have to get stuck? That you can get help and get out?
Jessica -
Had I written a post about this, it would have read word for word as you have written it. Even the lyrics you chose to share from the song…the first time I heard it those words gave me chills and I shut it off.
I’m saddened Rihanna would do this, considering her past. Of course, she didn’t really take a stand against her abuse until she had an album to release. I view the entire song (and video) as a sensationalized piece that condones abuse (because it certainly doesn’t make a statement against it). There are several layers of codependency the video shows and the message “I like the way it hurts” and “just gonna stand here and watch me burn” is not what we want for anybody, but especially girls.
Yup – my issue definitely stems from the fact there is no clear statement against domestic violence and that because the girl in the video stays at the end, it gives the impression that either there is no way out or that it is ok for these types of relationships to continue.
Yeah I don’t think you’re giving young people enough credit. Listening to this song drew me back to 10 years ago when I was 16 and in love with Eminem’s album Marshall Mathers LP. Those songs are VIOLENT, but somehow they resonated with me. I didn’t listen to them and think “oh maybe this means hate and violence are ok” I listened to them and thought “there is genuine pain behind these words and I relate to that… his POV is interesting I wonder what his life was/is like.”
I think it’s also important to note that this is art. Music is art, no matter how mainstream it is, and a music video is visual and performance art. They are created to tell stories and perspective. I think most teenagers understand what perspective is.
Also, there could be teens out there who are in or have been in violent relationships, or have witnessed domestic violence in their own household. I think having music out there like this that directly speaks on this issue helps take away the secrecy and stigma that surrounds it and can help people build the courage to ask for help, to speak up and to leave.
I want to believe that all teenagers can interpret this and other music and media accurately, but some of my experiences with girls tell me something different. Just the other day on our Facebook page, a girl posted a message about how ugly she feels every time she looks at magazines because she doesn’t look like the girls featured on the pages. The girl writing that post is 14 years old. A lot of people would assume that she should know that those photos are airbrushed or that the girls in them have been in hair and make-up for hours prepping for the shoot, but the girl posting that comment either didn’t realize that or did realize it but wasn’t able to internalize it enough to apply it to how she viewed herself.
I also think that when famous musicians, who many young people look up to, create art, they have to realize that their art will be sending a powerful message. It may not have been intended as a PSA, but with the level of influence that people like Eminem and Rihanna have, it is pretty easy for it to be digested that way.
In the end, I think my main problem is that the video shows no sign of Meghan Fox’s character asking for help, speaking up, or leaving.
not every story has a happy ending… and i don’t think that should be expected in life.
a 14 year old, yeah they might not really understand what this song is about. actually they probably wouldn’t, but i still don’t think that makes it bad. if anything, they’ll talk about it and it’s up to the adults, older peers, etc. in their life to create an open dialogue about it.
I work in the music industry, and something that is really important getting across to new artists is that for music to be good, it has to be for YOU. People who are artists (vs. entertainers/performers) don’t create music for other people, they create it for themselves. That’s what makes it good. I think Eminem is one of those people.
The last point I’ll make is that music (at least for me) is about connection and emotion. Sure I can listen to the lyrics if I make a point to, but when I hear songs I’m really more so FEELING them. This song touches me, I can connect with it. The same way I could connect with Eminem’s music 10 years ago even though I did not connect with the lyrics. Even if the teens don’t fully understand the issue of domestic violence when they listen to this song… if they’re in a hard place themselves, they can still connect with the emotion in this song and I think that is really cathartic and important.
oh and in response to Megan’s character, yes she very directly does try to leave in this video.
WOW! I saw your post about the song on Facebook, and immediately went to youtube to hear the song (still have not watched the video yet), and I too listened intensely to the story line in amazement.
What message IS being sent, one must ask?…Is the young audience going to take its meaning literally and assume it’s okay to allow themselves to go through something like this???
I personally feel that Eminem is an awesome rapper, and he is “expected” to be violent/mad in most of his songs, so we kind of look over what he says sometimes due to his image.
I am a Teen Life Consultant, and I work with hundreds of teen girls that LOVE Rhianna, and often tell me that they admire her for her confidence, and for ho whe handled her most recent situation. After hearing her part in a song like this, I’m not sure that’s sending a message of confidence and high self-esteem for our girls today (seeing that THEY will be the ones singing along).
Thanks So Much for bringing this to the forefront. This issue will also be discussed on our blo (blog.journeygirl.org)!
-Andrieka “AJ” Austin
Teen Life Consultant
http://www.journeygirl.org
As a teacher and the mother of 4, I think kids are sick of having happy endings painted for them. In our society many young people are living this experience through their parents, siblings, friends or through their own lives. I think kids want honesty. They want to see some truth reflected. I think the video showed two very broken people, trapped in a horrible situation. Yes, I am an adult and I can interpet the images, but as is the topic in many writings today, the sad hypersexualization of our children means many of them can see it too. As the Mother of three boys, I was kind of glad that it showed the abusiveness of the female as well as the male, as that is a little discussed reality.
With all due respect, Megan’s character seems to enjoy the violence, the rough dramatic sex, the drinking, and the intensity of the fighting. Early in the video she marches toward the door, only to turn around and start hitting the boyfriend. A fist goes through the wall, bodies get slammed up against the drywall, and then there is hot makeup sex. Cut to Rihanna, former poster girl for walking out (once the media catches her bloodied, cut, bruised face) as she sings “Just gonna stand here and watch me burn, well that’s alright because I like the way it hurts”. Major fail, whether this art is intended to be a PSA or not.
Megan’s character doesn’t ever try to leave for good or stand up for herself (without hitting) or reach for help. While out on a date with another guy at a pool hall, who gets beat up, she goes to a liquor store with the abusive boyfriend and is then seen the next morning at a motel kissing over the bottle of vodka they had stolen. Later Megan greets her abusive boyfriend at the door and welcomes him back with a beer, after he had apologizes with a teddy bear. There is a decisive, poignant moment at 3:07 where she makes a choice. She’s allowing him back (I don’t think that counts as being trapped) and is unable to keep his gaze, and for a faltering few seconds shows fear, disappointment, and reserve about having him back. He sees it and gets angry. They walk through the apartment, he throws things, she hides in the bathroom, and then he knocks her around. Next we hear to lyrics about him knowing it is all lies, tying her to a bed, and burning her. As they kiss.
I see very little catharsis in that.
To the people complaining that she didn’t leave at the end. This video was showing the cycles an abusive relationship goes through. Fight, makeup, sex, fight ,makeup, etc. It shows how much of a messed up place she and him are in. Trust me guys this video was accurate I witnessed my parents go through this for about 2 years and its just all one big cycle. I vote this video was a step in the right direction.
Also to my understanding both Eminem and Rihanna said this is something they had to get off their chest.
Also sorry the grammar isn’t the best I’m on my phone
Thank you for writing this! I heard this song today and it made me very sad and worried that domestic violence was being condoned and/or sensationalized. But I didn’t know how to put it into words -you and your bloggers really helped me work through this. With children of my own, it’s getting harder to listen to music of a younger generation with out worrying how it will affect them. I have to keep going back to the songs I listened to as a teen and ask myself if I heard them for the first time now as an adult would I worry about the messages.
I definitely believe this song sends the wrong message. I had been in an abusive relationship for 3 years which I was finally able to escape a year ago, and this video hit too close to home. My ex had tied me up with cables on a few occasions, and would threaten to lock me in the basement if I tried to leave, so when Eminem says in the song that he’ll tie her to the bed and set the house on fire, it brought me back to those dark times in my life. I’m sorry if I’m being too graphic, I am trying to be mild but honest. I know from my experience that trying to leave an abusive relationship that feels impossible. I had gone to the police for help and they only made things worse for me. So being in a relationship like that it’s almost comforting to think that what you’re going through is normal and that other people go through it too. If this song had come out while I was still with him, it would have made me feel like what he was doing was okay and I might have even stayed with him. I just pray this song doesn’t help abused girls remain in denial about their abusive relationships. I wish Megan had left him in the end of the video in order to send the right message to girls watching. My ex is currently serving a 2 year sentence which is half over. The charges that put him in jail had very little to do with domestic violence and more to do with his criminal activity. I wish domestic violence was taken more seriously, I feel like he was given a slap on the wrist. He continues to harass me from jail even though I have a no contact order, and I’m afraid for myself and my 2 year old daughter for the day he gets out.
You know, I had the same opinion about the song at first. I had suffered through a relationship exactly depicted in the video for a year. I was trapped. I thought I loved the man and every time I tried to leave it got uglier and uglier. If it had not been for my mom being able to get the money to finally come and get me, I wouldn’t be alive today. So please forgive me for saying this but, the director of this video was dead on for not ending this video all fluffy. Not all domestic violence relationships ends all fluffy where you can simply just walk away. Eminem’s lyrics were dead on as well talking about the emotions that sear through you in this type of relationship. It is the most terrifying thing anyone could experience. At least that I can note to date. I would not wish this on anyone. I still have nightmares about it. My husband cannot even touch my face without me flinching still and he has never hurt me. I commend Eminem and Rhianna for doing this song and video and pray that the youth use their brains that we know they have to hear the message instead of ignoring it.
Hi DJ –
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I think if anything the song has opened up a level of discussion on the topic of domestic violence that I’m very glad to see happening. Maybe through more honest and open discussion we can teach the generation of girls and boys growing up now to set a new standard for healthy relationships.
Best,
Jessica
I completely agree that the video precisely depicts abusive relationships, and her staying in the end is also dead on. I just wish that it showed her leaving so that girls in abusive relationships watching this video might gain some courage to leave, instead of continuing the cycle until a perhaps deadly end. Of course most viewers can appreciate the video for what it is; a reality in some people’s lives. But for those young girls watching who are in that situation it might just make them feel like they’re not the only ones who are trapped and end up staying with their abusers. Maybe if she had left it would have made some girl’s think twice about how trapped they really are, and realize that maybe there is a way out after all.
My thoughts exactly!
My 13 year old son and I have been discussing this song for about a month now. Although many of the discussions have been about the message the song/video is or is not sending, our best discussions have come when we talk about what abuse is, how people get stuck in destructive patterns, fear, love, and especially respect for women.
This song has given me an opportunity to discuss, in depth, a serious subject with my teenage son that I probably would not have had otherwise. Because the song is of interest to him, so are the discussions. It has taught me to continue to be aware of the influences that bombard my kids and to be on the lookout for teachable moments and discussions.
Hi Liz –
I love that the song has opened up discussion with your son. Conversations about violence in relationships probably don’t happen nearly often enough between parents and kids, and the song puts it in a context that gives the subject tremendous relevancy. Keeping a lookout for those teachable moments is a great piece of advice for all parents. Do you think that comes easily to many parents or do they need some coaching on how to look out for those moments and start those discussions?
Thanks!
Jessica
Hi there,
I have a 12 year old sister who is OBSESSED with this song, and it has been the cause for much debate in our family. I wanted to weigh in on the debate so although I had heard the song before and not liked it, i decided to look into the Lyrics and meanings more, and see what other people were saying about it. Thats how i came across your blog.
I have to say, that to me the lyrics seem quite clear, they condone domestic violence, they make it look sexy, and the video defiantly has an allurement about it. the song says when you love someone a lot, violence happens. and thats that.
I hate what this song is telling girls like my sister, she’s at that age where she’s just about to start dating, and at a time in her life where what mum says isn’t cool, celebrities and pop culture is where she gets her direction from.
I’m scared for her because, as she told me, in her words “its OK that they hit each other, because at the end of the video they are both happy, and they love each other”
WOW. good work Rhianna, as a woman who was a victim of domestic violence herself I expected far more from her. lets face it we all expect this from Eminem, he’s a male chauvinist who has a past record of condoning violence in all its forms and has even sang about killing his ex wife. so not a shock at all. but Rhinna, I”m shocked and disappointed and I think she should be ashamed of herself. Seriously, women need to stand up for other women, to speak up for those who have no voice, and make a difference. She just gave men all over the world validation for violence and has backed the twisted view of most abusers that “they loved it, they liked it, so its not abuse” and is telling girls like my little sister that this is what love is and its OK.
I really hope my little sister never has to find out the hard way that violence isn’t sexy. I hope she finds real true love with a partner that would rather die than hurt her.
Thanks for opening up the conversation and allowing us to talk about this. Everyones comments helped me understand more.
Hi Sarah – I’m so glad the post and the comments were helpful. What your sister said to you is exactly what I was worried girls would think after watching the video. The arguments that the video is for adults or that it is a work of art don’t sit well with me because the people who made it knew exactly who would be watching it: young girls and boys. If I’m happy about any of this, it is that it at least started a conversation, and maybe something positive can come out of that.
I read this article and I find it as an interesting take on this relationship, however I see the video and the song as a calling to social awareness of sorts. There are numerous women in the world being abused and they are being abused.
In a perfect work, the woman being abused would leave. Unfortunately, we don’t live in an ideal world. Unfortunately, women are abused and do nothing about this. Eminem could have changed the video, and changed the ending, but that would be sugarcoating an issue. Deep down, we want her to leave, just like we would want a woman to leave their abusive so-called-lover, however, in the real world, that doens’t always happen